You're Not the Boss of Me

Someone called me bossy today. 

A middle-aged woman called me bossy 

I'm pretty sure the last time someone called me "bossy" was in elementary school. But nevertheless, a middle-aged woman (with children) called me "bossy."

She called me bossy for arguing in favor of the recent "Ban Bossy" campaign. 

If you are unfamiliar with the campaign, it's being led by a partnership between LeanIn and The Girls Scouts of America, and it is being endorsed by celebrities like Beyonce. Just to avoid any crossed wires, I'll give you the description as posted on the organization's website: 

When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a “leader.” Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded “bossy.” Words like bossy send a message: don't raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead. 

So allow me to dispel some common misconceptions about this campaign: 
1. No one is going to make the word "bossy" illegal. 
2. No one is going to force you to participate in this campaign. 
3. No one is saying some kids aren't actually "bossy." 
4. Celebrities did not start the campaign. They just support it. 
5. Beyonce is not in the Illuminati. 

I got into a pretty heated Facebook discussion about this campaign with a bunch of upper-middle class Southern women today. It went about as well as you would expect it to. The argument I met most frequently was something along the lines of "I don't want anyone telling me what I can and cannot say. There are better things to worry about than little kids calling each other bossy." 

But what people don't seem to understand is that this campaign is NOT about the word "bossy." In the context of this campaign, "bossy" is a word that represents disdain for female leadership. I will be the first to admit that sometimes, kids are bossy. Sometimes, kids are jerks. But sometimes, kids get put down for being "bossy" simply because they're willing to be assertive; they are willing to speak up and speak out. This doesn't always sit well with other kids, especially when you're dealing with little girls. 

The honest truth is that I see what I like to call the "bossy effect" in full swing even here at college. Several of my classes are made up entirely of girls. And sometimes, when we are working on projects for class, it's really hard to get anything done because no one wants to risk taking charge and seeming "bossy." But, at the end of the day, someone has to step up to the plate and be willing to speak up and do the work werq. 

Somewhere in this Facebook argument, I mentioned the fact that this campaign is trying to address some of the issues at the heart of modern female inequality. The response I got from one woman was, "I, as a female, have never felt unequal." She also said that this campaign is a waste of resources because we should really be focusing more on sexual abuse, sex-trafficking, substance abuse, etc. 

I have never been bullied. This, however, does not mean that bullying doesn't exist. One middle-aged, middle-class, white woman never feeling unequal to a man is hardly evidence for a lack of inequality. Just like a 19-year-old, middle-class, white girl never being bullied does not mean bullying is not a real thing. 

But this next part is what killed me: This woman denied the existence of gender inequality but went on to lament the issue of sex-trafficking And I am left wondering what she believes the cause of sex-trafficking to be. It seems fairly obvious to me that women are bought and sold like household objects because of a persistent inclination for society to see women as "less than." But I feel so betrayed by my own gender when I sit there and listen to women claim that gender inequality is a non-issue. If you think female inequality is nonexistent, go have a conversation with a prostitute. Or speak to a woman who was raped in the military and never saw justice. 

Ultimately, this is the reason I feel so strongly about the Ban Bossy campaign. It goes so far beyond not calling someone a name or not disciplining a kid for being pushy or mean. It is about telling girls that they are enough. It is about instilling in our daughters that they are worthy of whatever they seek. They are trying to stress the importance of self-advocacy and about speaking up for oneself. Maybe, if we taught our daughters that they have the power and the permission to assert themselves, we wouldn't see so many women being sucked into the sex trade/industry. 

I find it so disheartening to see people so ready to jump on a campaign like this without actually trying to find out what it's about. When I have daughters one day, I would much rather they receive positive messages about leadership and self-esteem than the trashy, objectifying images the media barrages us with now. This isn't about letting little girls be brats to each other. And it isn't about men not calling women bossy either. What it is really about is teaching kids the difference between reasonable and unreasonable leadership, so we don't see kids being cut down for simply trying to assert themselves. 

This is not about a word. It is about kindness. It is about a social attitude that needs changing. If we start by changing the way we think and they way we teach our children to think, we will see the effects in the not-so-distant future. If we reinforce female leadership skills from a young age, we will see greater female representation in government, corporate America, you name it. If we make girls feel like they are allowed to stand up for themselves, many of the issues women face today will become significantly less wide-spread in perpetuity. 

I'm still chuckling about this woman calling me bossy. But I'd much rather stand up for myself and catch flack for it than sit back and let foolish people run this world. If you don't like the Ban Bossy campaign, it's probably because you don't fully understand it, and that's OK. But please don't go around telling everyone how foolish it is. Because there are women out there who would love to have someone advocating for their voices and for the voices of their daughters.