Dear Mrs. Hall...

Mrs. Hall:
     I stumbled upon your blog post titled, "FYI (if you're a teenage girl)" today, and couldn't help but feel like you left a few things out. I, unlike so many of your readers, will try not to harp on the fact that you paired your thoughts on "modesty" with several pictures of your half-naked, swim-trunk-wearing teenage boys. That detail to me, while ironic and almost insulting, is really secondary.
     I instead would like to point out the twisted nature of your message as a whole. I grew up in a conservative household which I imagine is not much different from yours. I was not allowed to wear spaghetti straps, bikinis, belly shirts, short shorts, or anything else deemed "immodest." Throughout my growing up, I found these rules to be annoying and inconvenient. However, now that I'm a college student who is living by my own rules, I have become aware of the fundamental problems in the psychology behind "modesty rules" like mine (and like those you expect everyone else's daughters to follow).
     I get it, ok? Do I think women should be walking the streets half-naked? No. Probably not. But not because I pity the precious eyes of the innocent young boys who may encounter us. I mostly feel like women should dress "properly" as a way of respecting ourselves. Also, half-naked people make even the most progressive of us a little uncomfortable sometimes. But hey. I think women are free-thinking individuals who have every right to express themselves however they see fit. Some women happen to feel very empowered by dressing a certain way. Who are we to tell them that they shouldn't? If I'm in the mood to wear my thigh-high stockings, I'm gonna do it. I just am.
     If you are concerned about the kinds of images your sons will encounter on social media, maybe they shouldn't be on social media. Your concern seems to be that some young temptress will post an "inappropriate" selfie, thus tempting your son to lust after her, in either thought or action. Your tone towards teenage girls is one of condescension and almost repulsion. How dare these women girls cause your babies' minds to wander? These girls are causing my child to think impure thoughts. That simply won't do. Well, if your sons are so easily tempted, perhaps you should have a conversation with them about self-control.
     What you are doing right now is isolating your sons from some very real feelings. You can block the slutty girls from his Facebook page, but then what? What happens when he goes to college and is faced with real temptation for the first time? Temptation that he is unable to deal with because Mommy always made it go away. You are not giving your sons the tools to deal with these situations. You have fed into an extremely dangerous mentality that it is the burden of women to keep men from becoming impure. If girls behave a certain way, boys will never be tempted, and thus, never sin.
     Unfortunately, you aren't raising everyone else's kids. You are raising yours. You are teaching your sons that girls are sexual objects first and thinking, feeling individuals second. You allow what you perceive to be a young girl "sexualizing" herself to completely overshadow her personality, intelligence, and beauty. So what if a girl wants to post an (arguably) salacious photo of herself online? Perhaps it's a manifestation of her confidence. In a society where so many girls are struggling from eating disorders and other self-image related illnesses, it is my belief that we should be encouraging our young women to claim their confidence however possible. Even if you don't like the possible implications of her selfie.
     Instead of wasting your time calling out teenage girls for their actions, maybe you should sit down and tell your sons that it is THEIR responsibility to control themselves. When they see a girl and find themselves attracted to her, it is THEIR job to keep themselves in check. No matter what she is wearing. No matter how she is posing in her picture. If they are not able to control themselves, they can look away. Women are being sexually assaulted every single day. And it's because mothers like you have taught their sons that society EXPECTS them to take advantage of a woman if/when she does not conduct herself "in good taste." Look your sons in the eyes and tell them that their sexuality is their problem and no one else's. No matter how many selfies a girl posts on Facebook, she is still a human being. She does not see herself as a sexual object. The men around her do. And that is because mothers like you never took the time to tell them that that is a lie. Mothers like you blame the victims every single day. Mothers like you never taught your sons not to rape. Because you were too busy telling teenage girls to tone down the sexy.

FYI.

-Ms. Amatrudo

A word on suicide.

Suicide is perhaps the most silent killer among us. It is something we see on T.V. and read about in newspapers fairly regularly, yet most of us have little to no concept of just how common it is. How powerful it is. How destructive it is.

Crippling.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young adults. This year alone, we will lose about 4,600 young lives to suicide. And almost 38 times as many students will be treated for self-inflicted injuries.

That’s 157,000 kids. This year.

Too often, kids who claim to be depressed or self-harming are written off as simply “wanting attention.”

But what if we’re wrong?

What if those kids with cuts on their wrists, calves, and shoulders are asking us for help?

For argument’s sake, let’s say that half of the kids treated for self-inflicted injuries are just “begging for attention.” Guess what? That still leaves 78,500 kids who DESPERATELY need someone’s help.

But unfortunately, it’s not always so noticeable. I don’t call suicide a silent killer for no reason. It’s innocuous. We all have the voices in our heads that tell us we’re worthless, insignificant, stupid, annoying, ugly, fat, lazy, a failure. But for some, those voices are much louder, much more powerful.

They try to hold it together--for themselves, for their friends, for their families. They hide their pain so it cannot burden anyone else. They try to be considerate. They try to be selfless. But they reach a point where they are only hanging on for everyone else. They want to do right by everyone else. And after a while, it isn’t a good enough reason. They want to reclaim their sense of self. They want to feel the vindication of making a choice solely for them.

So they do it.

Every year, almost 5,000 young people between the ages of 10 and 24 will make that choice.

So what are we going to do about it?

That’s a great question. For a couple of years now, I’ve been trying to answer that question.

The thing that I can’t seem to let go is the fact that I never learned these statistics in school. I never sat through an assembly teaching me the signs of depression or how to prevent suicide.

Not once.

Yet I couldn’t even begin to count the hours I spent learning about bullying prevention and substance abuse.

This I know to be true: When someone is at their lowest point, any positivity (even a small dose) can buy them more time. A person is less likely to kill himself/herself on a day when they are feeling genuinely loved. When they feel like there is hope. Like they aren’t alone.

So maybe, if we substituted just one anti-bullying assembly for a suicide prevention assembly, someone’s life would be saved.

Minutes count.  Seconds count.

I would have given anything for five more minutes with my brother. Seconds even. And maybe if I had reminded him of my love for him, I would have had that time.

Parents: Your kids are people first and your children second. Make them feel like they do you proud every second of every day. Let them exist as they are. Let them pursue what makes them happy. And be happy for them. Your children will not always do what you think is best. But when those moments arise, never let them confuse your disappointment with disdain.

Educators: This nation is in need of a MASSIVE movement. Millions of young people sit in your presence each and every day. You are doing them a disservice by not teaching them about mental illness and emotional pain. DEMAND that your school address this monumental problem. Ask your counseling center to arrange a suicide awareness assembly. When a student approaches you with a problem, never write them off. You could be the person who buys a mother another year with her child.

Students: Appreciate the time you spend with your peers. Tell your friends you love them. And make sure they believe it. When you think your friend is struggling with something, don’t ignore it. If you believe a friend may be suicidal, get them help. DO NOT put off telling an adult for fear of their response. Run to get help from someone. And DO NOT QUIT TRYING until your friend is out of the darkness. Friendship is a commitment. You cannot give up on anyone.

EVERYONE: Start talking about suicide. The stigma is there. It’s real. I know. Suicide seems like a very distant problem until it touches you. But why wait for that to happen? We as a people should be aggressively tearing down the walls that prevent us from talking about suicide. If we can work together to prevent it, you may never have to encounter it face to face. Just because it hasn’t happened to you yet doesn’t mean it can’t. The entire population should be fighting to save the precious lives that are stolen every year by this silent killer. It shouldn’t take the loss of a loved one to catapult us into action. Tell everyone how much they are loved. Reach out to everyone you can. Don’t let anyone fall through the cracks. Never assume that a person’s outward happiness guarantees their safety. And know that just a quick “hi” could be the two letters that remind someone of their worth. The two letters that could save someone’s life.

Love is the movement.