Someone called me bossy today.
A middle-aged woman called me bossy
I'm pretty sure the last time someone called me "bossy" was in elementary school. But nevertheless, a middle-aged woman (with children) called me "bossy."
She called me bossy for arguing in favor of the recent "Ban Bossy" campaign.
If you are unfamiliar with the campaign, it's being led by a partnership between LeanIn and The Girls Scouts of America, and it is being endorsed by celebrities like Beyonce. Just to avoid any crossed wires, I'll give you the description as posted on the organization's website:
When a little boy asserts himself, he's called a “leader.” Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded “bossy.” Words like bossy send a message: don't raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead.
So allow me to dispel some common misconceptions about this campaign:
1. No one is going to make the word "bossy" illegal.
2. No one is going to force you to participate in this campaign.
3. No one is saying some kids aren't actually "bossy."
4. Celebrities did not start the campaign. They just support it.
5. Beyonce is not in the Illuminati.
I got into a pretty heated Facebook discussion about this campaign with a bunch of upper-middle class Southern women today. It went about as well as you would expect it to. The argument I met most frequently was something along the lines of "I don't want anyone telling me what I can and cannot say. There are better things to worry about than little kids calling each other bossy."
But what people don't seem to understand is that this campaign is NOT about the word "bossy." In the context of this campaign, "bossy" is a word that represents disdain for female leadership. I will be the first to admit that sometimes, kids are bossy. Sometimes, kids are jerks. But sometimes, kids get put down for being "bossy" simply because they're willing to be assertive; they are willing to speak up and speak out. This doesn't always sit well with other kids, especially when you're dealing with little girls.
The honest truth is that I see what I like to call the "bossy effect" in full swing even here at college. Several of my classes are made up entirely of girls. And sometimes, when we are working on projects for class, it's really hard to get anything done because no one wants to risk taking charge and seeming "bossy." But, at the end of the day, someone has to step up to the plate and be willing to speak up and do the work werq.
Somewhere in this Facebook argument, I mentioned the fact that this campaign is trying to address some of the issues at the heart of modern female inequality. The response I got from one woman was, "I, as a female, have never felt unequal." She also said that this campaign is a waste of resources because we should really be focusing more on sexual abuse, sex-trafficking, substance abuse, etc.
I have never been bullied. This, however, does not mean that bullying doesn't exist. One middle-aged, middle-class, white woman never feeling unequal to a man is hardly evidence for a lack of inequality. Just like a 19-year-old, middle-class, white girl never being bullied does not mean bullying is not a real thing.
But this next part is what killed me: This woman denied the existence of gender inequality but went on to lament the issue of sex-trafficking And I am left wondering what she believes the cause of sex-trafficking to be. It seems fairly obvious to me that women are bought and sold like household objects because of a persistent inclination for society to see women as "less than." But I feel so betrayed by my own gender when I sit there and listen to women claim that gender inequality is a non-issue. If you think female inequality is nonexistent, go have a conversation with a prostitute. Or speak to a woman who was raped in the military and never saw justice.
Ultimately, this is the reason I feel so strongly about the Ban Bossy campaign. It goes so far beyond not calling someone a name or not disciplining a kid for being pushy or mean. It is about telling girls that they are enough. It is about instilling in our daughters that they are worthy of whatever they seek. They are trying to stress the importance of self-advocacy and about speaking up for oneself. Maybe, if we taught our daughters that they have the power and the permission to assert themselves, we wouldn't see so many women being sucked into the sex trade/industry.
I find it so disheartening to see people so ready to jump on a campaign like this without actually trying to find out what it's about. When I have daughters one day, I would much rather they receive positive messages about leadership and self-esteem than the trashy, objectifying images the media barrages us with now. This isn't about letting little girls be brats to each other. And it isn't about men not calling women bossy either. What it is really about is teaching kids the difference between reasonable and unreasonable leadership, so we don't see kids being cut down for simply trying to assert themselves.
This is not about a word. It is about kindness. It is about a social attitude that needs changing. If we start by changing the way we think and they way we teach our children to think, we will see the effects in the not-so-distant future. If we reinforce female leadership skills from a young age, we will see greater female representation in government, corporate America, you name it. If we make girls feel like they are allowed to stand up for themselves, many of the issues women face today will become significantly less wide-spread in perpetuity.
I'm still chuckling about this woman calling me bossy. But I'd much rather stand up for myself and catch flack for it than sit back and let foolish people run this world. If you don't like the Ban Bossy campaign, it's probably because you don't fully understand it, and that's OK. But please don't go around telling everyone how foolish it is. Because there are women out there who would love to have someone advocating for their voices and for the voices of their daughters.
Over the past couple of days (and months, to be honest), I have really been thinking about friendship.
This whole year was a crazy adventure when it came to navigating my friendships. I saw the collapse of some of my dearest relationships, as well as the development of some of my favorite new ones. And I can't help but marvel at the whole phenomenon.
I've never had an easy time making friends. I attribute this to a number of things that don't need to be discussed in this particular piece, but, long story short, I just have a hard time connecting to people sometimes. But for a long time, it really didn't matter because from about the 6th grade on, my group of friends was pretty much established. I always thought that having a small, reliable circle of friends who identified as part of a "group" was the "right" way to do friendship. Now, I'm not so sure. It wasn't right. It was safe. And maybe it wasn't right because it was safe.
Something happens when the same 4 people spend all of their time together: You get really comfortable with each other. You don't filter your words and actions as closely because you assume a certain level of acceptance. You start talking about each other because you convince yourself gossip is OK as long as it's about someone you care about. They know you care about them, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal, right?
Wrong.
Comfort will kill your friendships. Assumptions will ruin your life.
Even though I knew my best friends really well, they never stopped being humans. Humans are fragile. Humans are easily hurt (and not-so-easily hurt sometimes). We want praise and hate criticism. We need affection and not insensitivity. And none of those necessities is unreasonable.
After lots of years of basically merging our souls, my friends and I forgot about one another's humanity. When you're friends with someone for 7-8 years, you start to identify with them. You start to see yourself as part of a duo. And you forget that your friend is actually an individual with feelings separate from your own. Shocking, I know.
You see it all the time. Best friends get into a feud over some seemingly stupid thing that was said or done. And you want to say, "They're such good friends; why are they letting this bother them so much?" but the fact is that there is no explanation needed. Friendship isn't a force-field. Words can still hurt. Actions can still destroy. People are funny because you might say the exact same thing to the same person every day for a week, and it may only bother them one out of 7 times.
This is because humans exist on a lot of different planes that we can't keep separate from one another. Your home life affects your school life affects your love life affects your friendships, etc. I believe this phenomenon coupled with the aforementioned deadly comfort level is the thing that single-handedly ruins the most relationships.
It's a very basic scenario. Friend A says something to Friend B that is not meant to be offensive, but Friend B is dealing with a lot of stuff at school/work/home and finds himself/herself really bothered by Friend A's comments. Suddenly, Friend B can accuse Friend A of being mean, rude, insensitive, oblivious, you name it, and, all of a sudden, Friend A has become a bad friend. Meanwhile, Friend A can turn around and accuse B of being immature, over-reactive, unfair, overly-sensitive, blah blah blah.
I lost a lot of really close friends this year. 'tis a fact. And in the aftermath, I dragged my heels out to college, absolutely dreading having to start completely from scratch and make new friends for the first time in YEARS. But it is really the best thing that could have happened to me because I've learned so much about dealing with people. I never assume a "comfort level" with anyone now. You might have a rapport with the human, but you have to understand that their humanity is not so easily domesticated.
I keep my friends really close, but I don't keep them so close that we become joined together as one. I don't sacrifice any of myself for my friends because I wouldn't want them to sacrifice any part of their soul for me. That's just dumb. Because I am Delaney, and they are not. College has been really fascinating because it is just this huge melting pot of humanity. There is so much wonder in being friends with so many different people with different stories and feelings and opinions. It's crazy really.
I think I'm learning that a friendship is never done developing. In order for it to work properly, we have to fight to maintain it. We have to take care of each other and build each other up and respect one another. I don't ever want to be so comfortable with a friendship that I feel safe hurting someone. I don't have it all figured out yet. Every once in a while, something happens with a friend (or friends) that makes me really cynical or mistrustful or just plain sad. But it doesn't mean that the whole idea of friendship is flawed. Friendship is actually really awesome when you do it right because you won't be jerks to each other. You'll reach out to care for one another because you'll never forget that your friend is a whole person. A whole, real person who deals with real stress and real pain and who might not always be easy to understand.
Friendship is about perception. It's about knowing someone really well without being absorbed into them. It's about being able to recognize when a friend is struggling and choosing to love them through it. It's about having the courage to say "no" sometimes because you don't have to agree all the time to stay friends. It's about respecting the reality that your friends are people, too and not just your friends. It's about choosing kindness over complacency and selflessness over selfishness. Friendships aren't always a walk in the park. But it's up to you to choose what is right over what is easy.
And, on that note, I would just like to say thank you to all of the wonderful people in this world who I would consider my friends because I know that I am not always the easiest friend to have. I so appreciate your willingness to respect me as a real person. And I'm so grateful to those of you who have stood by me in my less-lovely periods of time because not everyone has had the strength to do that. I am so committed to loving each and every one of you guys in whatever way you need to be loved. Because I think that's what friends are for.
*I will be filing this post under the category of "word-vomit musings about very broad topics that Delaney only feels comfortable writing at 3 o'clock in the morning."
